Betrayal Trauma Hurts

The trauma from being betrayed by your partner is it’s own kind of hell. It may or may not destroy the relationship, but it will definitely damage almost every other part of your life: your sense of safety, your sense of trust and confidence, your sense of judgement, your experience of history and your dreams of the future.

We are learning more and more of the impact of betrayal trauma. Whether it’s from sexual or emotional affairs, lying or hiding addictive behavior such as money, debt, gambling, spending, or substance abuse or misuse, it is a horrible shock to the system to find out your partner is not fundamentally the person they claimed to be.

In my practice, I recognize that betrayal trauma needs unique treatment. For a couple, that means triaging the needs of the wounded person first. There can be no “couples work” until the bleeding has stopped and the betrayed partner can start to regain their footing and calm down from the “fight or flight or freeze” response that they are undoubtedly experiencing.

This phase can take time. But it’s the only place to start.